[28 Oct 2006|12:29am] ive established a pretty reasonable, consistent manner of living. doing my homework about two nights out of the week, which seems to work fine, dragging myself through my classes, enjoying %50 percent of them, checking facebook constantly, switching back and forth between vegan and carnivore every other week, and then dilly-dallying around harvard sqare over the weekend with the usual people, enjoying incredable amounts of indian food and noise. i've just been hit with a pounding head-ache. i have a 99 average in pre-cal. julia is talking to a guy from mountain school that i went to egypt with. a guy who knows WAY too much about my personal life for various reasons, considering i met him for the first time on a beach in chile when i was fifteen and he witnessed nick/eric/knows about yoni/knows about the guys from nols/knows about everything/and is now in contact with hopkins people? what a nightmare. im collecting a lot of baggage so far. i have to take ambien to sleep at night otherwise i stare at black for two to three hours. im a social darwinist, a nymphomaniac, essentially unstable, verbose (is that a word) and my ex-boyfriend wont talk to me. i had a boring time doing the college-party thing with eric at pomona this past weekend, but did meet teddie einstein, who by the way suggested i let him know if i had herpes, because, as the great-grandson of albert einstein put it: "that way i'll know it was you". i laughed, took a sip of his drink, and left the building to walk around campus barefoot with random drunk people speaking french to each other. i had to tickle a guy to get him off of me, and i lost eric for half the night. i was bored, dissapointed, and barely drunk because i now hate all that shit. i like to think i'm above it but i've really only just begun. i want to go scuba-diving and manage my finances. to throw out all my belongings and live in the woods. i want to find new boyfriend and reunite with my old one. i want to understand milton and escape into college. i want to understand my parents and hate their guts, to have five children and grow up an admirable figure, to organize my shit and fuck it all to hell it cant be worth it. &&

[29 Sep 2006|09:32pm] asdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfsdasdfas &&

whatwhatwaaht????? [25 Aug 2006|10:55pm] HI Victoria, this is Pam, Keo's mom. I'm hoping to talk to Keo over the weekend and will give him your message---maybe we can figure out how he can access email at Green Mountain and you guys can talk that way---I'm sending him a phone via overnight mail, so he should have one in his room by monday or tuesday--his cellphone service is pretty spotty there---- in any case, glad to hear from you, and hopefully we can meet each other sometime soon--I know you are at boarding school--but maybe over a break you could come visit? will send you his room phone tomorrow-- it must be so strange to be back at Milton after being out in the wilderness with the shooting stars and marmot whistles. Keo says you might be doing a Patagonia trip next year--which sounds awesome. take care, pam &&

[24 Aug 2006|06:02pm] nick is doing something strange on the floor over there. his dog is getting excited. hes kinda really fucking wealthy... okay that was yesterday it just popped up when i opened this page. so yes i got back from san fransisco last night. the man sitting next to me on the plane gave me a l'occtaine green tea face wipe. highlights: nick wearing giant red thai kick-boxing shorts to jamba juice his mother opening my door in the morning, to say goodbye, to find nick in the bed with me nick has a beard and looks like a cross between jonathan ginsberge and an hacidic jew nick had sex with someone else this summer (vodka, singapore, no name learning, awkward breakfast) but so did i we still love each other i am a nymphomaniac my parents announced that they are retiring to san fransisco nick is most likely transerfing to UC los angelos jamba juice is killer oh and he drinks all the time now wtf eric is now at pomona. his roommate is gay and my mom and i are going out to visit him in october. and hopefully nicky too. "you better have another boyfriend by then" he put clean socks in my shoes for me one morning &&

"it'd be the best sex you'd ever have" [19 Aug 2006|10:46pm] his name was josh. he was 20. he laughed like a kid and did acid every other week. he looked like a big auburn bear. we had sex twice. his name was keo. he was 18, half-hawaiian, and had dreadlocks ranging his back. he looked and moved like a primate. he was into rock climbing and photography. we hooked up. his name was yates. a texan who called mexicans "wetbacks". he hit on me blatantly. yuck. there were nine of them and two of us. meaning nine boys and two girls including me. they were all into drugs except one. three were dealers. serious pound pushers. i like sex. im flying out to see nick in 13 hours. 1 | &&

[12 Jul 2006|04:05am] nick and i are reading lolita at the same time and hes halfway around the world and that makes me feel good. oooooh gerrrryyy was grouping me a few nights ago in new york. tttttteeeehhhgod. and its four fucking a.m. my dad and i have spent the last five or six hours talking. as we usually do. about this and that. stock and bonds. im not kidding. i have nicks tennis ball and his office chair and his blankie-sarainge-thing and i miss him and don't want to see him all at the same time. woooah. but i bought a ticket to san fransisco. "theres no turning back now!" said my dad as he pressed the select button on the amereican airlines sight. i just stared at him. sometmies he does understand. im obsessed with my parents. I can't wait to go to NOLS. Im going out to see nick less than 24 hours after i get back from it. at least i'll be skinny from all that hiking. not that that self-obsorbed punk would notice. i miss him. i miss my baby. i've been running. running around. getting out of breath adn whatnot. about forty minutes of cardio a day. life is dull. &&

[05 Jul 2006|07:35pm] so, 2 and half hours with an educational consultant, who pronounced me "very bright, and very complex". i guess i'm too complex a person for him to come up with a suggestion for because, well, after all that he said i should decide for myself. nick called me. from. uhghg. india. me: so anything else? nick: umm no thats it from my end me: okay, keep writing. bye ni- nick: bla bla bla bla (i dont remember what he said) me: okay great. so i'll talk to you later. by- nick: blab lab lab ablblalbla (don't remember either) me: s- nick: a;a;lsdfjaisdpviakavdoi me: oka- nick: *sighhhhh* welll.... me: BYE*hang up* &&

[03 Jul 2006|09:56pm] i feel nauseous and confused. i havnt yelled in a long long time and i screamed at the top of my lungs. me: molly's brother is going to putney dad: well we dont think you should go to putney or buxton......or milton. me: (a little stunned) whatwell where do YOU think i should go? dad: trumbull high school so i screamed. 2 | &&

[28 Jun 2006|09:50am] my parents are kind of cetching on to the whole something is wrong with me thing. my grades for the year were A-, B+, B, B-, C+, C. and they were like hey wait a second. but of course they cant think of anything else to do besides not send me back to milton next year. and i love it there. but i dont want to think about it. they're musing about sending me to a reform school to teach me how to be a student. i dont really care. as long as i can find a couple friends and a boyfriend i'll be fine. if i can even fall in love and have nothing else i'll be fine. if nothing else they're making me repeat my sophmore year. they talked about me going to back hopkins. so i might show up there again. look for me. which is so weird i think especially because i like being at milton so much. but i cant do work. i cant. first term my grades were A-, B+, B-, B- B- which really isnt horrible. but then everything fell away and i couldnt do anything and im not going to pretend that nick wasnt part of it. but he doesnt think i should stay at milton either. hes been saying that for a long time. not that hes knows whats good for me. but i also took up two extra courses in the second term and that was hard and stupid. i had no frees. and i was tired and distracted all the time. really distracted with nick. i kind of always knew that i wouldnt stay at milton. like in the back of my head. but maybe i will. i dont know and i know it doesnt really matter. nick's emails from india are.....nick. and he calls me sometimes and i dont want to pick up so he leaves messages and says i love you. its i dont know because i know he wasnt good for me. i constantly made me angry and annoyed and dissapointed and distracted and worst of all hes convinced he loves me. nonsense. what did we have. i dont know what to think about it. nothing. a friendship-- one angry person and one pleased person. and strangely i was the angry person. i have to do something but i dont know what. i threw up at the airport in scotland yesterday. 4 | &&

[22 Jun 2006|06:32pm] this is really efficient. &&

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